Tip of the Week - dialogue tags and voice

This is one area of writing that frequently gets overlooked and to the writer's discredit. Proper use and format for dialogue tags is very important.

First lets discuss format:

1) A lead in approach: Dave stumbled through the doorway, fell hard to the floor, and said, "Who cut off my feet?"
In this arrangement, the dialogue is preceeded by "said" and a comma. Any punctuation stays within the quotes, as the question mark is in my example.

2) Split format: "About time you got here," Dave said. "The house is almost ash." (Fire alarm joke Jill :) )
This way, the dialogue is split in to two sections, allowing the tag to give a little break between them. Notice the punctuation. In the first section of the dialogue, the comma is placed before the closing quote mark. The close of the sentence is "Dave said." It is also acceptable to have a comma after "Dave said" then continue in the next section with an uncapitalized lead in word.
This format is very useful when there is a lot to be said. The break should come very early, then the rest can flow to the end. This is a tip I learned from Editing Yourself into Print. The author states that the reading "ear" requires a little pause at the front, but can hang on until the end after that.

3) Short dialogue: "Thanks for the computer Mr. Gates," Dave said.
This form is like the split format, but without the trailing section of dialogue.

4) Thoughts: Dave climbed out of the vat, and walked toward the raucous crowd. I hope nothing is showing through the whole in my pants.
There are several things to remember when using thoughts.
a) Never use quotes
b) It is proper to italicize thoughts (I checked Lisa, you were right.)
c) A thought tag is not needed.
By this I mean that instead of: "What just hit me in the head?" Dave wondered.
Use this: What just hit me in the head?
By dropping the thought tag, it strengthens the effect.

Second, lets discuss the order in which pieces of the dialogue need to be set.

Q: Which comes first, the person or the said?
A: The person.
This will make your dialogue stronger.
Use this: "He smelled like a four month old salami,"Dave said.
Not this: "Her teeth were as white as the business end of a high velocity snow ball," said Dave.

Lastly, let's consider the tag itself.
This is one area where my writing instructer slapped me silly. There is a great book on this very topic entitled, "SHUT UP!" he explained."
I was very extravagant with my speaker attributions, ie Dave growled, Dave snarled, Dave snorted, Dave chuckled, etc.

Once this had been pointed out to me, bedtime stories with my son became gag and barf sessions. One of his books had the tag "they gurgled." I found myself editing while I read. but I digress.

It is best in most occasions to use the word "said" as your speaker attribution. Show the strength of your dialogue with the dialogue itself, not with a descriptive tag.

Here is an example of how this can get ugly fast:

"Hi," Dave greeted.
"Hello," Lisa waved.
"How are you?" Dave questioned.
"Oh, I am fine," Lisa answered.
"Nice weather," Dave commented.
"It certainly is," Lisa agreed.

You get the idea. Tags liked "waved" and "gurgled" dont even make sense. The word "Hello" is not spoken with the waving hand, it is spoken from the mouth. The speaker attribution is needed only to convey who is speaking. It is not necessary to have a tag on every bit of dialogue. As in the example above, even if all of the goofy tags were changed to "said" it would still be cumbersome to read.

The dialogue should be able to tip you off as to who is saying it. Following is a short excerpt from my book "Black, White, and Shades of Gray." In this little piece, there are two boys, Patrick, a white son of a slave owner, and Smudge, a small black slave boy.

****
"Why they give us hog slop," Smudge said as he and Patrick sat on the ground to eat.

"You’d have to know my father better to understand."

"Don’t wanna do that, I knows enough already."
****

Although the last two pieces of dialogue do not have tags, it is clear who is speaking. The voice of the character should be able to tell you who is speaking. Of course, if there is a conversation going on, it is important to sprinkle tags here and there to help the reader keep track. Just the right amount, not too many, or too few.

Another example:
1) "Owie, it hurts," Dave winced.
2) Dave's face contorted with the pain. "My arm is on fire."

Auto Crit-

Here is an interesting little tool-check out:
www.autocrit.com/processtext.cfm

It's a quick critique of 2000 words for minor grammatical errors (etc!)

It's not perfect, but for an overall analysis, why not?

INNER VOICE

This was written quickly and hasn't been edited much since I hadn't planned on publishing it, but maybe we can "pick" it apart for fun. This is a good example of gerund overuse. I just can't help it :)

###
While watching a television program and eating a cup of soup, I hear the rustling of leaves outside my little house. Pushing myself up from the couch, I stand slowly to check on the noise. There better not be any hoodlums out there, I thought. Hobbling to the large kitchen window, I peek out to the yard below seeing tree branches stretching and swaying to the wind as if dancing for the moon.And, there standing in a pile of leaves, I see a dark-haired girl with a porcelain like face illuminated in the moonlight staring back at me. Even from a distance, I recognize something familiar about her.

As I look around the yard, I’m hoping that I’m imagining things-not unusual a woman of my age. But, turning back, I once again have the little one in my sight. She looks as if she’s waiting for something or someone when suddenly she points in my direction and motions me with the wave of her hand as if to say, “come to me.”I squint to see her wave more insistently, and I take a step out the side door. What am I doing? I think walking out the door onto my old wooden deck and swinging open the squeaky door to steps leading me to her.

Breathing hard, I approach the little girl. My heart races like I’m seeing the birth of my first-born. Yet, I know this isn’t my child. As I stand only a few feet away, she sets her eyes upon me, and tears stream down her rosy cheeks.As the cool breezes blow through my thinning gray hair, for some reason, I sense we are long lost friends who have been out of contact for a long time.

“What do you want little one?

Are you lost? I ask pushing strands of hair out of my wrinkled face.“It is you who is lost.”“No, honey, I’m home. How did you get here?”
“You know.”

“I don’t know. Do you know where you live? Where do you belong?”

“You know,” the little girl replied.

I wrap my hands tight across my chest for warmth and to stop the goose bumps from spreading. She walks toward me-this little one who is only four or five years old. And she reaches for my hand with her tiny warm hand, soft like a baby’s bottom. And her young, smooth hand intertwines with mine, which is now old and hardened.

She and I walk across the yard smirking at each other like we can read each other’s mind. We see the playground at the school about fifty yards away, and this little friend of mine leads me down the sidewalk to the swings there. In the still of the night and with leaves falling all around us, we each hop on a swing pumping our legs back and forth reaching higher and higher like we’re trying to reach the moon. While in mid air, we glance at each other and giggle. And as I smell the crisp smell of dried leaves, I figure it out.

She stops swinging for she knows that I know who she is. Getting off the swing, she runs and jumps on me, hugging me. And not one of those polite hugs you give your Aunt, but the kind that takes your breath away. And as I gaze into her little hazel eyes that are just like mine, I say,“You are me, and I am you.”

“I am you,” the little one whispered.

“I needed to see you again, didn’t I? I had forgotten about your pureness and your free spirit. We parted ways many years ago.”

She takes my hand and leads me this time to the slide, and we climb up. She slides down first, and I go next feeling the wind rush over me as slide down. I smile. My heart leaps for joy as I plow into myself. We became one.Skipping little steps back up the hill to my house, I breathe in the cool damp air reminding me that fall is here, and as I walk through the dewy grasses of my yard, I remember everything about her. And, suddenly I am young at heart once again.

###
Flash fiction Written by Lisa Braendle